So about a week ago I was invited to go to this BBC conference thing and be part of a talk about the future of broadcasting/the internet/I'm not sure what. Ofcourse I said yes! And yesterday was the day. The talk was infront of an audience of BBC and other TV people, and held by Robert Llewellyn, who asked me and the other guests questions about the internet and our endeavours upon it.
The other guests were Myles Dyer, Cassetteboy and Jon Petrie from popcorn comedy. It was all pretty great aside from the actual being on stage being asked questions part. I feel like such a turd for complaining at all because it sounds so diva-ish or something but it was just horrible. HORRIBLE.
They'd asked me to send in some video clips 'that I'm most proud of', so I sent a few clips of videos I felt were pretty representative of me and what I do. I can't recall the exact ones but it was the Britney Spears one, the Miss West Carolina one... a couple of vlogs, skullboy.. that sort of thing (comedy, vlogs and arty stuff).
The thing started, Myles was first up, and was asked tons of questions mostly about himself and his use of youtube, then a little about stickaid. He answered his questions fantastically, and I figured I was gonna be ok because at the end of the day I was going to be talking about stuff I know, and was comfortable with. So I go up, they show about 10 seconds of stuff about the zombie movie. None of what I'd sent them at all.
Fair enough I figured, the stuff I sent might not have been as high quality as they'd needed so they used stuff they had (perhaps?). But then the first question was 'so before this, had you done anything else on youtube?'. So I was like 'uh... yeah I started making videos on youtube 3 years ago...uh...' I was totally on the backfoot at that point and had no idea what to say.
I was all ready to talk about what got me started on youtube, what I think the future of it is, how the online community could interact with traditional media, copyright issues for the new millenium, digital ownership, etc etc etc. I had so much I was thinking it was going to be about, but I was sitting on stage with hundreds of people looking at me who'd never heard of me before thinking that the abortive mission to make the zombie movie was the only thing I had ever done online, or of any note.
The rest of the questions for the next 10 minutes were solely about the zombie movie- what's the future of the zombie movie? Did you always have aspirations to be a director? How did you come up with the idea? It was just fucking torture. And because I was so unprepared, I had to basically make up answers to them on the spot- I stumbled over words, sounded like a fucking idiot, seemed like I didn't know what I was doing- because I didn't. I felt like such a fool. It was so embarrassing and disappointing. I was thinking that the whole thing might atleast mean I made some good connections at the BBC perhaps, and be good advertisement of who I am and what I do, but now all they will know of me is that I tried and failed to make a stupid zombie film.
It was made even more frustrating that after me, the two others were asked questions that were so much more about what those people are actually about, that I also wanted to put my two cents in about, but I couldn't cause we had to hurry it up. There were a few questions at the end that I wanted to get into and answer properly and maybe make people realise that I'm more than a zombie abortion failure, but again we had to be quick.
This is all from my own perspective, and the other people I talked to afterwards said I answered the questions fine, and maybe I did (I don't think I did). I just am so mortified that, as I see it, I made a huge fool out of myself infront of people who I wanted to think I was actually pretty great. No! It's not even that- it's that I feel I was made out to be something that I'm actually not.
I wish, WISH that I had asked what the questions were about beforehand- Robert had a sheet of pointers but didn't want people to look at them first so we didn't form answers before the actual interview, which is totally fine, but I just wish I'd asked what the subject was. Too bad I assumed it was going to be about what they implied it was going to be about.
Anyway, on the upside of it all, afterwards I had coffee with Cassetteboy (not his actual name- I've forgotten it in my haste to blank out all the horror) and Jon (who's name I only remember because he gave me his card) and his girlfriend, and we talked more on the subjects at hand, and it was cool. I wanted to stay longer and perhaps make a better impression on people, but I had to go as I had a prior engagement. I had lunch with my boyfriend and cried (cried!!!) about this whole debacle. Then we watched a film about climate change which was depressing.
And now I'm writing it in my blog so that hopefully, if anyone that was there has bothered to look up the loser idiot that 'the bryony makes a zombie movie girl' is might actually see that I am more than the IZM, that I'm more intelligent than the Sloth impression I did on stage, and that I'm actually vaguely intelligent in real life and in normal conversation. And! That I actually have some good ideas and valuable insight into the future of broadcasting for the internet generation! And that I DO know what I'm talking about!
I hope I didn't sound too ungracious and ungrateful (are those the same thing) in this post- I really am glad to be asked to go to this thing, and I enjoyed it, despite my loooong post here! It's all stemmed from a big misunderstanding mostly. Hope I didn't/don't offend anyone!!