Thursday, January 24, 2008

This last while

The last few weeks have been very strange. I got a job I didn't expect, was really ill for a while, had lots of strange TV things and new people to talk to. Saw some friends who I haven't seen in far too long, went to some auditions, watched another friend leave the country forever. Had revenue from youtube taken away momentarily and realised how much I count on that, mentally if not otherwise. Wondered about what else I might do with this e-fame.

I realised lots of people that I didn't know read and watch me, and it made me feel at once tiny and huge. Beautiful and ugly. Wanted, but used at the same time.

As my youtube videos grow and 'Paperlilies' is bigger and bigger, I have started to feel like Paperlilies isn't Bryony so much anymore. She's someone who feels obligated to do things for all the people watching. Bryony meanwhile, just likes to talk to her friends and do stuff on her own.

I feel like I am being ungrateful, but I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't set out to have people make me promises like 'you could really be a big star'. I didn't ask for it, yet I feel obligated to partake. It would be rude not to. It would be rude and regrettable to turn away some offer, especially one I didn't expect.

I met alot of people for whom the idea of fame in and of itself was the very pinnacle of their hopes and dreams, and it made me very sad. I felt old and cynical and dishonest.

13 comments:

Dave said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave said...

Success always feels that way. Monetize it, when you can, and just go on with your life.

NusaCat said...

I've no real interest in fame. I've had my taste (as a developer of a well-known game), and it's annoying to be pestered.

I know I don't really know the real you, but I like what I see, and you are a lot more real than most. Sadly, the more famous you get the more you'll be compelled to be clam up for self-preservation. At the same time, it's hard to succeed without becoming known, at least in your field.

SuperJV said...

well, there is something moving about this raw, honest post. I would think that doing what you felt like doing is what made "Paperlilies" big in the first place.

i reckon you'll always have a large audience who wants to see you be you. there are so many sides, styles, and approaches in the library of Paperlilies...

hopefully you want to keep making some... but, you have complete control in this internet land. just remember that. any pressures to the 'audience' strangely enough... are really coming from yourself.

just keep doing what you feel like doing... if you feel like doing it

(hopefully you will)

Squigg said...

I like watching you for who you are. A normal regular person.

Don't feel as if you need to entertain...just be yourself.

You have a wonderful personality and I find you interesting as is.

No need to jump through hoops.

WildbillthePirate said...

Bri,

No one wants to see you be happier than your fellow Youtube-ers! We all like the Bryony you have put out there! I know I've seen a bit of the Real You in there and I hope you'd like to continue because you want to.

That said: BE HAPPY Woman! I know you don't like the Fakes & Phonies that are Part & Parcel of the Entertainment Industry and no one expects you to be like that at all! If you want to do something and it is available to you and you think you can do a good job then you should bloody DO IT! If you don't-then Don't! That Includes making Videos!

I would be saddened if you stopped, but since I'm just a guy a couple of thousand miles away from you-I'll get over it. If you can parlay this into something else that you would like/Love I, for one,would be Happy for you!

WildbillthePirate said...

Bri,

No one wants to see you be happier than your fellow Youtube-ers! We all like the Bryony you have put out there! I know I've seen a bit of the Real You in there and I hope you'd like to continue because you want to.

That said: BE HAPPY Woman! I know you don't like the Fakes & Phonies that are Part & Parcel of the Entertainment Industry and no one expects you to be like that at all! If you want to do something and it is available to you and you think you can do a good job then you should bloody DO IT! If you don't-then Don't! That Includes making Videos!

I would be saddened if you stopped, but since I'm just a guy a couple of thousand miles away from you-I'll get over it. If you can parlay this into something else that you would like/Love I, for one,would be Happy for you!

JJC1138 said...

I agree with superjv that this is a moving post to read. I wish I had something useful to add... I guess I'll just say that I don't think you owe anything at all to your subscribers, or to the people who are making you offers. It's your life; what you want to do with it is really the only thing that matters.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the comments as well. Do what you want to do. Otherwise it could create resentment toward the "something" you are doing or resentment toward the person(s) that made you feel obligated to do it.

Kertrats said...

I have to agree with what's been said. A very moving post, and a very hard subject to deal with.

It's been my experience that when something or someone is "big," the people who are entertained end up feeling a sense of "ownership." Basically, the audience comes to expect certain things from their entertainment, and when the entertainer deviates from those established norms, the audience feels betrayed.

Eventually, the phenomenon outgrows the original entertainer, and becomes "bigger" than him or her. For example, I am a geek. Therefore, as a geek, I am a fan of a little show called Star Trek. If you look at the history of Star Trek, it began as an innocent, campy, but entertaining program that aired for three years in the 1960s. However, Star Trek soon became a huge phenomenon. Now, people whine and complain that it's not like it used to be, it's not what the expect anymore. Now, a new movie is coming out in 2008, in which the original characters are being re-cast, the ship is being re-designed, etc. Everywhere I look are Trekkies screaming that "you can't do this!" or "you're raping my childhood!"

Audiences have to learn that they do not "own" the entertainment; they have no special control over what an artist does or says in crafting his or her particular art. As much as I love watching Paperlilies, I know that it is entertainment. It is up to the entertainer to do as he or she sees fit, and if people don't like it, then they shouldn't watch just to bitch and moan.

Basically, this really long-winded post is summed up thusly: Bryony, you are a supremely entertaining and wonderful person, but you shouldn't feel as though you are doing what you do for someone else. You should do it for you. If you feel as though you are beholden to your audience, then you are doing yourself a disservice, and you will only come to resent the whole endeavour. We all enjoy watching you do your thing, whatever that may be!

CatchFlipsidE said...

First off, please don't let the partner program take away from who you really are. Don't feel obligated to put on a show for us. If it's something you truly want to do, go for it! If you don't want to, then don't. If you want to just sit down and have a nice long talk with the camera for the heck of it, then do it. Do what you do because you think it's fun. Don't do what you do because you feel you have to.

That said, at the same time, please reconsider the partner program if it's bringing in a large amount of your income. As new as all this technology is, I wouldn't trust it. That also said, please don't let the money received from the partner program be a driving force behind your videos. Once again, do it for fun... not out of obligation. Emmalina is part of the partner program, but she hasn't changed a single thing about how she does her videos.

Lastly, though it was offered to you freely, you don't have to take it. I understand the guilt of not taking it, but at the same time, if it's causing Bryony not to be Bryony, could it be time to take a break from the partner program like Caitlin did? I think leaving the partner program has really freed her up creatively.

BenLoka said...

I totally sympathise with this. I'm glad I didn't sign up to youtube with my real name. "BenLoka" is now equivalent to a brand name in my head. It's me but not me. It must apply even more with Paperlilies and the success you've had!

Claytonian said...

I can feel a certain amount of the same emotions over this. I don't want to be famous; I just want my works to be. And then hopefully I myself will be left alone...