The last few weeks have been very strange. I got a job I didn't expect, was really ill for a while, had lots of strange TV things and new people to talk to. Saw some friends who I haven't seen in far too long, went to some auditions, watched another friend leave the country forever. Had revenue from youtube taken away momentarily and realised how much I count on that, mentally if not otherwise. Wondered about what else I might do with this e-fame.
I realised lots of people that I didn't know read and watch me, and it made me feel at once tiny and huge. Beautiful and ugly. Wanted, but used at the same time.
As my youtube videos grow and 'Paperlilies' is bigger and bigger, I have started to feel like Paperlilies isn't Bryony so much anymore. She's someone who feels obligated to do things for all the people watching. Bryony meanwhile, just likes to talk to her friends and do stuff on her own.
I feel like I am being ungrateful, but I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't set out to have people make me promises like 'you could really be a big star'. I didn't ask for it, yet I feel obligated to partake. It would be rude not to. It would be rude and regrettable to turn away some offer, especially one I didn't expect.
I met alot of people for whom the idea of fame in and of itself was the very pinnacle of their hopes and dreams, and it made me very sad. I felt old and cynical and dishonest.