I'm sick!! So that's one of the reasons for my non-updatingness of this. And for lack of videos! I started making a vlog, but then I got called for dinner and it wasn't a great blog anyway.
It was a blog about blogging. Or, a vlog about vlogging, rather. ie, I have a desire to vlog oldschool, but my channel feels like it's a fucking multiplex cinema or something, and a vlog doesn't stand up to that. And with all the newspapers etc making it sound like I have a comedy show on the internet, I feel like whatever I do should match up to that.
When I started being on the partner programme, because I was getting paid for my pearls of greatness (sarcasm!!) I suddenly felt under pressure, and like I should create things which were worthy of being paid, and having that many subscribers, regardless of how those people came to subscribe to my channel (ie, they came there cause they liked what I was doing anyway).
I know it is irrational- I should do what I feel like, post what I want, in the way I did before I ever had subscribers. I want to do an art competition again, but am scared off by the thought of there being so many submissions to it and inevitably letting someone down by accidentally excluding them. I want to vlog about things that I am legally or morally bound not to. I say I don't care about subscriber numbers and that I don't want to be famous, but then why am I making videos anyway? Maybe that is something I do subconciously want.
hahah, this is so overly existental... I'M SO VINDICATEDDD!
But, yeah, I got upset last night because a trip I had been banking on didn't come to fruition, and I realised that upset me more than I was expecting. So in true emo form, I got really upset about everything, from youtube, to efame, to real life fame, to fucking FGM for gods sake (look it up if you want to be made angry at the world).
So if you are reading this, Kim (which you better be!) thankyou for being my EBFF<3 and talking sense to me when I am being a tool.
/rambling emo/britney post