Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I'm ill god damn

I'm sick!! So that's one of the reasons for my non-updatingness of this. And for lack of videos! I started making a vlog, but then I got called for dinner and it wasn't a great blog anyway.
It was a blog about blogging. Or, a vlog about vlogging, rather. ie, I have a desire to vlog oldschool, but my channel feels like it's a fucking multiplex cinema or something, and a vlog doesn't stand up to that. And with all the newspapers etc making it sound like I have a comedy show on the internet, I feel like whatever I do should match up to that.

When I started being on the partner programme, because I was getting paid for my pearls of greatness (sarcasm!!) I suddenly felt under pressure, and like I should create things which were worthy of being paid, and having that many subscribers, regardless of how those people came to subscribe to my channel (ie, they came there cause they liked what I was doing anyway).

I know it is irrational- I should do what I feel like, post what I want, in the way I did before I ever had subscribers. I want to do an art competition again, but am scared off by the thought of there being so many submissions to it and inevitably letting someone down by accidentally excluding them. I want to vlog about things that I am legally or morally bound not to. I say I don't care about subscriber numbers and that I don't want to be famous, but then why am I making videos anyway? Maybe that is something I do subconciously want.

hahah, this is so overly existental... I'M SO VINDICATEDDD!
But, yeah, I got upset last night because a trip I had been banking on didn't come to fruition, and I realised that upset me more than I was expecting. So in true emo form, I got really upset about everything, from youtube, to efame, to real life fame, to fucking FGM for gods sake (look it up if you want to be made angry at the world).
So if you are reading this, Kim (which you better be!) thankyou for being my EBFF<3 and talking sense to me when I am being a tool.

/rambling emo/britney post


Anonymous said...

Relax bryony it's just life. If you really want to worry about things like that you don't want to take a look in my head. But i've learned to just lock and bolt the door on most of that stuf that you know is just too much to handle on a daily basis. Just try to "be" and enjoy life when it gets too much. Enjoy a sunset (if you can ever see one is this terrible weather) and think of all the good things that you have in your life. We may not be able to control our destenies but we can at least try to enjoy the ride while we can as life really is too short.
Sorry about any bad spelling as i suck at spelling. But you say bad spelling makes you laugh so it's all for the good. We may be glib and trite at times with our comments and we are starngers to you but we DO CARE about you a lot otherwise we would not be here.


Ps i bet i'll be slapping the back of my neck in a moment and saying my god you just posted that to a total staranger that you never met and you just don't say things like that even to people you know - and you gave them your name too! Aaaah!! If you were me you'd know just how much that makes me laugh at myself again!

SuperJV said...

you're not accountable to anyone here in web land. that's the beauty of the situation you find yourself in, so:

just keep being yourself.

roygbiv said...

word. fuck the papers. Newspapers! not...you knowhutImean:)

Simon said...

your imagined life is imaginary
your real Life is now

Dave said...

Oprah Winfrey is the richest woman in entertainment and she has a talk show. She's watched by 10s of millions of people each day. She sits on a couch talking to mostly dopey, boring guests. She's uneducated, has marginal intellect, and she isn't fun to look at. So, what was that again? You don't think that you can sit and talk (vlog) on Youtube because they throw pennies at you? You obviously jest.

Amjan said...

You've been circumcised?

No, that must suck indeed...
I also sometimes have those days when I feel like I had a female circumcision... and I'm not even a woman. Ehhh...

Life's a bitch, you get circumcised, and they you die.

Shane of the Road. said...

I feel the same restrictions on my YouTube channel, though we don't have the added pressures of being partnered. Sometimes I want to make a simple video from a simple little idea that I find interesting. But when it's finished it feels like it doesn't belong among my other vids because it's too plain. People expect intricacy and I'm compelled to deliver.

But sometimes I just wanna slum. That's sort of what I do on my "beta" channel but nobody's watching that shit. haha

Anyway, I hear ya'. I hear ya'.

Be Well,

Nathan said...

not sure what makes you so angry:

FGM, Inc., is an information technology company delivering sophisticated, customized solutions that improve business efficiency across the enterprise.


(I am kidding. What a miserable name to pick for a company tho)

CatchFlipsidE said...

I want you to do what you want to do, but at the same time, the partner program is completely optional. You can opt out at any time and feel much less pressure that way. Caitlin did it.

Secondly, this blog along with the ones on Adsense lead me to believe that you are placing way too much trust that your living expenses in some large part will come from YouTube and blogspot. I'm not trying to put you down, but I would recommend against that. Use YT/Blogspot as a secondary source of income to save up or buy things you want on the side.

Kimberl(eigh)y said...

it's okay baby doll <3 <3 <3

You're wonderful all the time!!