I have avoided saying anything too much about the Christmas Dr Who episode and the first episode of Torchwood that was on recently because two of my good friends are both into them and I didn't want to spoil anything about it for them.
Well, now I know they have seen them, so I can let rip at last.
WTF. What. The. Fuck.
The Christmas Dr Who episode was so, so SO bad. It was embarrassingly bad. They managed to make Kylie Minogue look frumpish for starters, which must be the first time that has ever happened. Why have a multinational star in your show if you are going to make her look lame? She was wearing a french maid costume through the whole thing! The ingredients were there, but she looked boring and stupid instead of smoking hot like she does every other time I have ever seen her.
I am getting a little bit sick of every single episode of that show being so 'THE WORLD IS GOING TO END UNLESS THIS THING IS STOPPED'. So much peril and doom gets wearing after a while.
Did Dr Who always seem like that? Why is it not enough for them to have to save one group of people, or themselves, or just be investigating one thing, rather than London getting blown up AGAIN by some generic evil-monster-from-another-dimension-or-outer-space.
Also, side note, why does Dr Who know EVERY alien species? We get that he has been around for a long time, and that does make sense sort of, but he ALWAYS does the 'ha! I remember youuuuu!' spiel. BO-ring. Mix it up a bit already, creators of this show!
Where was I? Oh, ok, so this Christmas episode. The tardis lands on some titanic ship, which flies about in space. It is populated by people seemingly none the wiser to it's earthly namesake, and therefore under the impression that no ironi-tragic consequences will happen if you call your ship Titanic and claim that it is un-sinkable/un-getting-destroyed-in-space-able. As I mentioned, Kylie is there. She stowed away on board somehow, and is a french maid there. The ship is also home to 'Hosts' who are these angle-robots which give out information. They all look the same and are humanoid robots. Cause Dr Who has never had that kind of foe before.
There are these bracelets that people can use to beam down to London, which is deserted because of what happened last christmas. The tour guide is humourously mal-informed of earthly customs etc etc etc. Those come into play later on in the episode. Yay.
The Tardis has, as per usual, gotten sucked out into space (luckily the ship is orbiting earth (still irony-free) and the tardis is programmed to head for the nearest gravitational pull. Which surprisingly isn't the giant fucking spaceship it is next to, but earth). So the Doctor is stuck on the ship.
Anyway, so the ship gets in trouble, and the Host start slinging their halo things around, killing everyone in sight (weirdly with no blood anywhere, or dead bodies, cause it's a 7 pm show. Which makes it eerie more than anything else). The host are evil! Aren't we all so surprised that those weird looking humanoid robots turned out to be evil death-machines. No?
Then the doctor and Kylie lead a rag-tag band of people, a fat couple who spent 5000 'credits' (that is one of my real pet-hates of scifi. 'credits'. WhatEVER.) on a competition to try to win the tickets. They are total idiots but loveable supposedly for their moronic ways and their blank faced cheerfulness. There is a dwarf guy with a Darth Maul face, a rich guy who keeps being an asshole because he thinks he's so great. Oh and the tourist guide comes too.
They all try to get away, ending up on some stairway or something. The rich guy gets all 'lets leave the fat poor people!' because they need to get out of some tight space and he doesnt want to wait. Meanwhile Kylie is talking to the little red dude, who it turns out is a robot too, so he sends out some energy beam thing which disables the hosts that are right behind them. Then he dies, and even though they have known each other for literally 10 minutes, they are a bit sad over it and want to avenge his death. Even though he's a robot and shit.
Before they are stopped, I think the host kills the fat guy, so obviously Mrs Fat is sad. She eventually get through and then they have to travel to like, the warp core or whatever it is in the ship, of course, and as per-unimaginitive custom, there is no safe way to traverse this. And despite the newness of the ship and all that unsinkable stuff, the path across this is made out of lego or something and is rickety and falling apart.
I can't quite remember how, but then the host return and fly around shooting things at them trying to cross the lego-bridge. Somehow fat lady falls into the shaft because she can't go on without Mr Fat, I think this stops the host from shooting them, but I can't remember why.
So they carry on in their travels, wherever they are going, and eventually find the guy who is behind it all. He is some asshole who runs the company from a full-body covering wheelchair circa 1970s Star Trek. He is sinking the ship because of AN INSURANCE SCAM. That's right. All this bullcrumbs for an insurance scam. Are you fucking serious?
He's all 'You'll never stop meee!' and Kylie jumps into a fork-lift truck and drives him off of this ledge thing where he falls to his death. one of the Host throws his halo-frisbee at it and knocks out the breaks, and she falls in too. In a really lame she-could-blatantly-have jumped-out-of that-in-time way.
Now that they have known each other for about 25 minutes, the Doctor is really sad at her demise, and tries to figure out a way of bringing her back. There's some sort of stupid way he imagines being able to, but then tourist guide guy tells him not to bother, so he doesn't. They beam down to earth where tourist guide guy finds out that a million pounds is quite alot in earth money and that he'll be rich atlast. I can't remember what happened to the rich asshole guy.
Anyway.... it was lame.