Thursday, December 13, 2007

response to a comment - I am angry so much!

I guess I have probably seemed angry. Maybe I have been. I certainly let myself a lot looser on this blog than in videos, and on youtube lately I have felt really unsure of what to do on it, except when things like the Mikma thing happen and I feel riled up enough to say something angry about it.

Certainly in my own life I have been tired and stressed a lot of the last 6 months or so. California was so much fun, probably one of the best things I've ever done. I wouldn't want to change it, but it made me rather at a loss since then, I think because I wanted to go back there ever since, and I have not been able to work out what I should do with myself. It has made me very frustrated with myself and my situation. I am in a position now where I could spend a lot of money and have an amazing time... or spend it and it actually being a huge mistake and a waste of time.

Should I get a visa? Should I move to America? I want to. I really want to, and I have no other plan, and not much to tie me here. But thats this huge thing and I have no idea what happens after that. I might be in the same place just 3000 miles west of here and thousands of pounds poorer. Still scratching around not sure what to do, and far away from what I know and alone.

But then, thats life isn't it?? Thats what you do. You go out into the world and see what happens next. And everyone does things on their own terms, essentially.

But its that cusp I feel I am at. To shit or get off the pot I guess. Which has made me something of an angry little girl of late.

I'm not apologizing, just I guess rationalising and thinking things out. On my blog for all the internets to see. ha!

Oh this reminded me of this song which was the theme tune for a TV show I hated. I used to be a big fan of Oasis. But I think they're fairly lame now. However I love this song.

THIS one has karaoke! hahaha, this is the version I actually listen to.

here is some version sung by someone else

oh whatever! haha leave me alone butthead!
haha at the end of the karaoke one theres a little bit of Stewie dancing around. I haven't seen Family Guy since TV links shut down. :(


Anonymous said...

It's pretty clear that you've answered your own question. Of course you should go. It's obvious that you're miserable and that's where you want to be. You have nothing to lose but money that you'll end up making back a thousand times in your life. It might seem like a lot of money now, but it's chump change over your lifetime. You're going to get swooped up by a guy with coin anyway, so the money isn't even an issue.

Just start putting together a plan. Don't even think about coming without some sort of plan.


bikenik said...

Bryony, if moving to California is what you want to do, then what are you waiting for, do it! :)

You don't want to live with regret for what might have been. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know that you gave it a shot.

You are young and still have lots of time to try things. Don't worry about spending money, that's what its for, to deliver your dreams.

Anyway that's what I think.

Pablo Kickasso said...

If you come to California, I'll buy you a taco.

Ok, two tacos. And a Mountain Dew.

That's my final offer.

Anonymous said...

With reference to your TV links comment.


B. Waylan said...

I am in a similar spot. Having fulfilled my obligation of higher education to my parents, my life is now in my control and I know not what to do. Pursue a brief stint as a musician or enter the life purging hobby emetic of graduate school.

I am curious; if not an oasis girl, are you a fan of radiohead?

zombiejesus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
family guy said...

Come see me and my Family at

shadx said...

Yup; Cali sounds like a good idea.
Come for the maps, stay for the Dew!

tv-links said...

I'm dead but you can visit my brother.

Chrisp7 said...

I did a year in New York after Uni and it WAS the best year ever, and I have been drifting ever since, because all I can really think of is to go back. Now I have been drifting for a few years since, no idea what to do still - I say dont do the same as me - Carpe Diem - go to San Fran!!

WildbillthePirate said...

Do you have an idea of something you'd like to do? Big changes are always scary, even when they work out. I know you've got University out of the way but I'm not close enough to you to know how best to advise you here.
Have a talk with those closest and most important to you. I'd like to think that while they would be sad at not having you around, they want you to Bloom; Ms. Paperlilies! Perhaps make a deal with your folks to give it a try in the States for a period of time. There are plenty of people who do just that.

If you return to NY, look me up-email me & I'll get back to you-I'll show you a bit of my city you might not have seen-

stewie griffin said...

OOH Bry, Bry, what's wrong? Life not turning out the way you expected? England not so merry? Feeling empty and unfulfilled? Hmmmm...are you going to cry? Wait, I'll get my camera. There now... cry for me...cry for Stewie. Life isn't what you thought it would be, is it? That's it...let it all out...Oh dear! Oh dear! Now listen to me, you English Tart. If you EVER show up in Cali, I'm going to take a ROCKET LAUNCHER to that massive FOREHEAD of yours. You HEAR me Woman?

mrt30801 said...

They have some Family Guy episodes on myspace at:

Unless you have close family or friends in the US, you would probably be happier staying in the UK.

Where I work, new employees from other countries seem to adjust easiest when they have close family or friends around.

Just my thought.

GrimBrin said...
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GrimBrin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GrimBrin said...

(I can't spell or type but what meant to say was)- I always turn to music when I hit a slump and I think Cast said it best with "Live the Dream" Your still young and it's all relative when you get to 30 you will look on 24 is being so young and wonder why you didn't take more chances before you were to old - As long as you remember nothing in life is guaranteed.

ZipDudeAh said...

Don't live a "what if" life Bryony. Whenever I am faced with a life changing decision (the kind that makes fear and doubt well up inside me) I always picture myself at 80 sitting in a rocking chair looking back at my life and imaging NOT having done the thing I am contemplating. Am I filled with regret or joy? If it's regret then I do it. I never want to end up at 80 depressed over "what might have been." Neither should you.

What will you regret MOST: moving to the U.S. or NOT moving to the U.S. and staying in England? The answer to that will determine what you should do so you don't end up at 80 regretting not doing it.

(My YT name is zipdoodah)

Linear Zap said...

My take on it is pretty much the same as mrt30801's:

"Unless you have close family or friends in the US, you would probably be happier staying in the UK.

Where I work, new employees from other countries seem to adjust easiest when they have close family or friends around."

I'd really, really like to spend my life abroad because I feel (or imagine) that there are more opportunities.

...Not only is this highly debatable, but I know I'd really miss my family and friends. MSN, phone and letters are there, of course, but it's not the same. You can't realize how much you'll miss them until you spend at least half a year away from them (and without knowing when -and if- you'll get back - which wasn't the case when you were in California)...

The most important thing, though, is that you should have the final word on the decision. Don't let others, even if they're close friends or relatives, decide for you.

vclamp said...

A problem well defined is a problem half solved.

tejayce said...

listen to "linear zap" .. words with some thought behind it.

i had a friend, who didnt know what to do with her life. she went to work on a farm in australia for half a year just for fun. well, she met a guy there and thats her life now.
she visited this summer and i asked her if she was happy with how things turned out for her. her answer was simple "i still dont have a damn clue what to do with my life. so obviously i didnt miss out on anything. if i had stayed here, i would have done the same as i do in .au, just that i have a boyfriend over there."

the main lesson i took from her, is that i lost some years of my life getting education(waiting for some kind of revelation to come), while she was enjoying it. we both just love freedom and experiencing new things, therefore no prospect of a regular job can ever be interesting. ... and people dont change.

as for your situation. you had a job in the usa, you had a plan, a program .. afaik. and i think it was a bit like holidays .. so thats what made it so great. and now you hunger for the experience like someone who tried hard drugs for the first time(people often get psychologicly addicted to the experience).
what made cali so different? maybe write it down .. if you can work out what made it so great .. maybe you can try to implement those aspects into your current life .. make a plan what/how to change it.
you can .. seek a life in a foreign country as a part of that of course, if you want to.
but it should not be because you are running away from your(self) current life, situation .. etc.
i should be, because its part of reaching your goal. and it seems to me like you lack that goal right now.

dont throw everything away for a "feeling". find out exactly why you feel that way. you need to suppress emotional reactions(ask yourself what choices you already prefer, out of emotional reasons .. not rational ones) because they will bias your decision making process in a negative way. but at the same time deal with the emotions and work on a solution.
its like not beeing able to let an ex-relationship go, because you feel like you should have kicked the guy in the nuts. some people go and do it, some people talk about it with friends until they feel better, some people talk about it with a counsellor, etc .. and some do nothing(run away from the thoughts) and are haunted by it.

dont run away, you need to work on a solution, and then make it happen.(which is probably not bound to one location only)

never forget. "its called the american dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

Anonymous said...

Looks like you have a lot of smarter friends out there than me Bryony.I'd just say follow your heart but don't forget your head. As for being alone in the world. You should know that you own a part of so many hearts now that you can never really be alone if you remember that.
Isn't there some way that you could get a job set up there before you go and then give yourself a few months to see if it's really what you want.
Ps i think it's really beautifull that you can trust us with your deepest thoughts and desires even if all this empathy is killing the living hell out of my Lonewolf persona.But i'm learning to love it anyway and if i had the power to help you fulfill your hearts desires i would use it in a second.

Linear Zap said...

@ tejayce: that's exactly what I was trying to say! I couldn't have put it better.

LTS said...

PL...head back to California. It's where you want to be. Contact the people whom you worked with in California and ask them to give you a heads up about job opportunities. In the meantime, work and save as much cashola as you can for transition expenses.

shadx said...

Listen to "tejayce" (great Carlin reference btw)
In the meantime with that thought in your head you can at least plan it out, meaning less aggravation about what to do and being excited that you're at least being rational and constructive about it. I assumed you already had at least a couple good friends in Cali you can count on for help, but you can use your resources and time to secure a healthy stable living situation and apply (even internships) for work.
And if your folks don't like the idea maybe they'll feel a little better knowing you're not just going on a whim but planning it out carefully (may take some fun out of it but it'll be less scary)
And who knows, while all that comes to fruition, something great may happen where you are and you'll change your mind, but still have enough to take a vacation when you do feel like it.

streakfreak said...


I was stuck in a rut in the same place for years myself. I decided I needed a big change to get my life going the way I wanted it, and I decided to move to England. When I told people I was moving thousands of miles away to a place where I knew no-one, had no place to stay, and no job lined up, they thought I was nuts. They didn't put me off. I knew I had to do it to jar something loose, so I saved up some bucks and left.

It was the best move I ever made. Yeah, I had some rough patches, but I did alright. I had loads of experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. And most importantly, I got out of that deep rut.

The funny thing is, now I'm back where I grew up, but the trip was not a failure. Not at all. Now I'm finally building a career in the field I always wanted to be in, and I sincerely doubt that would have happened if I had not left my comfort zone (meeting some really great people along the way).

So I say go for it! I doubt you'll be disappointed with the results. And even if you are, at least you know that CA is not for you, and you can put it out of your head and focus your energy elsewhere. So you can't lose. Make it happen.